(Please note the author is not a financial advisor)
Dear Former President Trump,
First of all, forgive me for using the F word. It seems to be required to get anything published these days. Anyway, I know things have been rough lately, though your supporters are trying hard to make things right again. But I have to be honest: Things look worse than ever.
I’m afraid with your chief bean counter getting arrested, it makes us look bad for trying to prove that you are the one that really won the election. I mean, heck, if your accountant can’t count, what are folks going to think about MAGA supporters like us? They’re not going to buy our claims about inaccurate vote counts either.
Even worse, I’m hearing rumors that you may be the next one arrested and it could happen soon!
Can they do that?
The thought of the liberals having the nerve (not to mention the power!) to arrest the greatest leader the US has ever had just makes me crazy!
But I think there is a way out of this mess and it may eventually land you back in the White House if you decide you still want to be there.
Ok. Here’s the deal. Have you heard of Kenneth Copeland, Robert Tilton, or Creflo Dollar? The last guy is a black man, but don’t let that bother you right now. The point is, he and the other two individuals have something in common that I guarantee will elevate you to your greatest calling and will truly Make America Great Again.
Did you hear that? Did you hear the Call?
There is a whole world of power and opportunity out there and you may not know about yet, but you’ve already mastered every skill and built the fundraising infrastructure required to step into the job.
The way you can hold a crowd in thrall, repeating a concept over and over until they know it’s truth in their gut; The way you savor ministering to giant crowds of people and make each individual present feel like your equal; the way you can get even the poorest of folks to sacrifice, open their hearts (and wallets) when you tell them to. These are the most important skills required for successful televangelists and you have them all!
You will be the greatest televangelist ever, the likes of which the world has never seen before!
According to my research, Creflo Dollar’s net worth is over $27 million; Joel Osteen’s is $100 million, and the Big Daddy of them all, Kenneth Copeland’s is worth $300 million. They all have private jets; Copeland has three jets! They all live in multi-million dollar mansions and drive the most expensive vehicles money can buy!
But their success will be dwarfed by your ascent to the Calling. You will surpass the greatness and popularity of all these in every way, sir!
You will be more popular than God Himself!
And the best part? Tax EXEMPTION!!!
Yes sir! No longer will you have to worry about the feds breathing down your neck for misreporting a few million bucks at tax time! Your organization will be exempt from taxes. Forget about audits! Your jets, your mansion on the lake, golf courses, millionaire cars— completely tax exempt! (Please verify this information with your financial advisor—not the one in jail, of course—as I am not an accountant and most of this info was obtained from social media.)
Can you see it now? The crowds at your feet, hungry to see you return to your proper place of leadership, one even higher than the presidency!
Continue your rallies that you love so much, those wonderful events that fill people with the joy and zeal of a good old-fashioned tent revival! Cloaked in the ministry of God, you will pack them in like never before! Every rally, every media appearance, every fundraising newsletter, and every autograph event will be tax exempt. (Again, as above, please verify with
your a qualified financial advisor.)There has simply never been a fundraising apparatus so powerful or untouchable by the deep state bullies!
You will no longer have to worry about censorship from social media platforms. Youtube, Twitter, and Facebook dare not violate your First Amendment right to express your religious views. They will see boycotts and protests the likes of which no business has ever been able to survive if they attempt to ban posts inspired by a Ministry of God!
Your following will explode beyond your current base to include all the devoted followers of Jesus! Evangelicals have already proven to have limitless tolerance of any behavior or seeming character flaw you demonstrate as long as you continue to represent their feelings toward minorities and Democrats passionately.
All of them will belong to you! YOUR words will strengthen them! YOUR words will impassion them to even greater loyalty to you.YOUR words will compel them to open their wallets to support your sinspired Will. YOU will have far more influence than a mere president. You will have a more powerful influence than God Himself!
Your destiny awaits, sir. You only need to step into your pulpit and accept the calling.